Ashes Jokes 2011 - The Top Twenty

Say, did you know that the Australian's had lost the Ashes?  Well, just to thank them, we thought we would give you the top twenty Ashes jokes currently doing the rounds on a mobile phone near you!

What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A waiter.

Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down. Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting: "The aussies are going to win the ashes, the aussies are going to win the ashes" On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe! 

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a Phoenix?
At the end of The Ashes, the Phoenix still has a future.

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment? 
They haven't got any openers ...

What do you call an Australian who is good with a bat?

A vet.

Mitchell Johnson  - two minutes after going out to bat..

What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?

A bowler. 

I had to borrow a cup of sugar the other day. I asked Shane Watson - but he had run out.

What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.

What is the main function of the Australia coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

The ICC are investigating strange betting patterns on the Sydney test. Someone allegedly put $20 on Australia 

What's the Australian version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

What’s the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Why don't Aussie fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
Because they never catch anything.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.
 

A phone call comes into the Australian dressing room
‘Is it possible to speak to Mr Ponting please?
‘I’m sorry’ says a voice at the other end, ‘he has, gone out to bat’
‘No problem, I’ll hold the line’

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the Australian team?
The woman who ironed the cricket whites.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

The Best David Beckham Joke Ever

David Beckham and his wife have just flown back in to the UK from America.  Tired and more than a little jet-lagged, the pair collapse in to the chauffeur driven limousine that has been arranged to take them home.

The driver exchanges polite greetings with the couple and asks where they had been.

“New York,” replies David.  “There for a weekend of shopping with the wife.”

“My wife loves New York,” replies the cab driver, who, like most other London cabbies, loves a good chat at his customers.  “Which hotel did you stay at?”

Beckham rolls his eyes.  “Crikey,” he says.  “I forget.”

“Was it the Marriot Marquis?” asks the driver.  “The missus is always on about staying there.”

“Nah.  Don’t think so,” Beckham replies.  “Let me think.  Give me the name of a few London tube stations.”

OK, thinks the cabbie, let’s humor him.  “Alright, Sir.  What about Leicester Square?” he suggests.

Beckham shakes his head.

“Well, then.  Let’s think.  What about Oxford Street?”

Beckham shakes his head.

“Right.  So, what about Piccadilly Circus?”

Beckham shakes his head.

By now, the cabbie is getting a little exasperated and wondering why he started the conversation in the first place. He decides to give it one last go before giving up and taking the couple home without any further attempt at dialogue.

“What about Victoria then?”

Beckham’s eyes light up.  “Thanks, mate!”

He turns and nudges his wife.  “Ere, Victoria, what hotel did we stay at in New York?”

Wayne Rooney Jokes

Following Alex Ferguson confirming that Wayne Rooney has refused to sign an extension to his contract and stating that he wants to leave Manchester United, we have put together some Wayne Rooney jokes:

Carlo Ancelotti is confident of landing Rooney - as long as no-one explains to him that the Chelsea Pensioners are all blokes.

Wayne Rooney might be tempted to join Man City on a 230 grans-a-week deal.

Rooney insisted he wouldn't sign a new Manchester United contract without someone reading it to him first.

Rooney wants to go to Juventus - he'll never turn down an approach from an Old Lady.

This is all just a terrible misunderstanding. Rooney actually told Fergie he'd just seen Adam Ant leaving a club.

Wayne Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson have changed their Facebook status from "In a relationship" to "It's complicated".

Odds on Wayne Rooney's next club have been shortened. It's now 8/11 Stringfellows, 3/1 Spearmint Rhino.

After what Rooney's agent has been up to, the Stretford End might have to be renamed soon...

John W Henry has bought Rooney for Liverpool. When he told his manager, "Wayne is on the way", Roy Hodgson immediately put up his umbrella.

Shrek 5 plotline revealed: Lord Farquaad "shocked and disappointed" as Ogre reveals plans to quit Far Far Away.

Ferguson said: "Rooney intimated to me, in his own way, he wanted to leave." Which means he pointed at himself, then the door, then grunted.

The sale of Wayne Rooney couldn't have been better timed, as there's apparently an awful lot of interest in America... going on the debt.

Rooney is planning a move to Real after mishearing that Madrid was "full of lovely Senior Ritas".

"Nice to see your home fans booing you"... You haven't seen anything yet, Wayne.

Rooney was sad to hear of Tom Bosley from Happy Days' death but glad Mrs Cunningham is back on the market.

Rooney's statement was delayed - he broke three crayons writing it