Ashes Jokes 2011 - The Top Twenty

Say, did you know that the Australian's had lost the Ashes?  Well, just to thank them, we thought we would give you the top twenty Ashes jokes currently doing the rounds on a mobile phone near you!

What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A waiter.

Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down. Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting: "The aussies are going to win the ashes, the aussies are going to win the ashes" On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe! 

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a Phoenix?
At the end of The Ashes, the Phoenix still has a future.

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment? 
They haven't got any openers ...

What do you call an Australian who is good with a bat?

A vet.

Mitchell Johnson  - two minutes after going out to bat..

What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?

A bowler. 

I had to borrow a cup of sugar the other day. I asked Shane Watson - but he had run out.

What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.

What is the main function of the Australia coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

The ICC are investigating strange betting patterns on the Sydney test. Someone allegedly put $20 on Australia 

What's the Australian version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

What’s the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Why don't Aussie fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
Because they never catch anything.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.
 

A phone call comes into the Australian dressing room
‘Is it possible to speak to Mr Ponting please?
‘I’m sorry’ says a voice at the other end, ‘he has, gone out to bat’
‘No problem, I’ll hold the line’

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the Australian team?
The woman who ironed the cricket whites.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

England Lose Against France

Benzema scored the first goal

England have lost against France 2-1 in a friendly match that was played at Wembley tonight. The Three Lions failed to get off to the best of starts with France dominating most of the possession in the first half. They knocked the ball around with typicla French panache in comparison to their English opponants.

In terms of performance, it has to be admitted that England were woeful.  Unable to retain possession and make any meaningful passes, they gave the ball away on numerous occasions.

England went behind early when Karim Benzema played a nice one-two with Sami Nasri around the seemingly hapless Rio Ferdinand. Benzema lashed in a low left footed shot in the area which went underneath England goalkeeper Ben Foster.

Fabio Capello gave his first international caps to Andy Carroll, Kieron Gibbs and Jordan Henderson. Two of them will probably find cause to regret this. Andy Carroll gave a good performance, winning all the balls in the air that came his way, and holding up the play and bringing in midfield players.

The other pair had an undistinguished time representing their country.

England were unable to create any clear cut chances in first half and were relying on Carroll winning battles in the air, hoofing long balls up field for the Newcastle man to challenge.

In the second half Capello made three changes, taking off Kieron Gibbs, Rio Ferdinand and Theo Walcott for Stephen Warnock, Micah Richards and Ashley Young.  Thein hope was that this would create more chances for England, but this tactic failed miserably as England fell further behind.

Bacra Sagna was allowed space and time to cross on the right hand side for Mathieu Valbuena to volley home making the score 2-0. Moments later Andy Carroll was substituted for Jay Bothroyd who was making his Three Lions debut.

England had more chances in the second half but they failed to capitalize on these opportunities.

Steven Gerrard burst through in the the French area a couple of times, only to see his efforts whisk wide of the goal.

A dangerous move - it was one of those runs from Gerrard that forced the Liverpool player to withdraw due to a hamstring problem.

Peter Crouch was then brought on for the injured Gerrard and made an instant impact getting on the end of a back post cross to volley home, making the score 2-1.  Despite this, England were unable to find an equaliser towards the end of game.

A time to gather thought for the squad, perhaps.

Love Is Lost In The City Of Sheffield

By Matt Scott 
‘You can’t dine out on one result for the rest of your life – it’ll always be remembered but you’re only as good as your last game.’ Games of this magnitude are so eagerly anticipated that the build up can begin months in advance.

Derby days are, more often not, the biggest day in the supporters calendar. The press coverage, online and on the local news channels, given to them is second to none. Pubs are flooded with talk of anything and everything to do with the Derby. Even managers and players get in on the hype, releasing statements to provoke a reaction.

Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday fans are being forced to endure their first ‘Derbyless’ season in three years, after the final day of last season saw Wednesday relegated to League One. The last time this occurred was when Sheffield United managed to reach the dizzy heights of the Premier League in the 2006/07 season, however they failed in their fight against instant relegation. The last 10 Steel City derbies, dating back to the 2002/03 season, are on a level pegging. Both sides have 4 wins and 2 draws to their name. Even more coincidently, they both have a league double over each other, United in 2005/06 and, more recently, Wednesday in 2008/09.

This season, the glaring omission of the derby game on both clubs fixture list will frustrate the players and fans alike. Kelly Spencer, avid Sheffield Wednesday fan and PR officer believes, ‘The derby means everything – for some, the only result that matters during the season.’ Mark Woollas, passionate Sheffield United fan and media department employee, simply describes the city turning into, ‘A sea of red and white and blue and white, filled with fierce rivalry.’

Mark thinks the blow for United has been softened slightly because, ‘Blades fans still have derby clashes against Leeds, Barnsley, Doncaster and Hull to look forward to this season.’ On the other hand, Kelly feels that, ‘the pre-match excitement and banter with pals who support Wednesday’, will be sorely missed.

Thankfully, from the supporter’s point of view, all hope of a meeting between the sides is not lost. The FA Cup is now in full swing and there is a chance the two clubs could yet come face to face this season. Mark simply stated that, ‘If the Owls get to the third round then it could be a possibility.’ Kelly’s responded by saying, ‘You just never know but I get a feeling that it would be the game of the season if it happened. Obviously drawing one of the big Premier League clubs away, getting a draw and bringing them back to Hillsborough would be incredible, certainly from a financial point of view.’

Mark, reiterating part of Kelly’s statement, said, ‘There will be sections of supporters from both clubs wanting to play each other, whilst others will no doubt be hoping for a Manchester United or Arsenal away.’ Kelly, personally, is keeping her fingers crossed for an FA cup meeting between the sides, ‘I think Wednesday would have a great chance of beating United home or away’. She goes on to echo the old derby cliché, ‘the form book goes out the window’, when she said, ‘Regardless of their current form, players tend to get that extra 20% for the derby games and the FA Cup would be no exception.’

The derby could make a return to the fixture list next season if United fail to win promotion to the Premier League and Wednesday manage to gain promotion from League One, returning to the Championship

Currently, Sheffield United sit a disappointing 19th in the Coca Cola Championship. Many had tipped the Bramall Lane outfit for promotion this season but, with newly appointed manager Gary Speed still finding his feet, it’s been a slow start to the season for Blades fans. Mark, however, still ‘harbours realistic hopes of pushing for a top six spot in the Championship.’ Whereas, Kelly ‘can’t see SUFC being promoted this season.’

After being relegated last season, Sheffield Wednesday, led by Alan Irvine, are expected to bounce back and win promotion with some ease. At present they are 9th in the Coca Cola League One table, only two points adrift of the play-off places. Kelly believes, ‘we can do it; we really need to start performing at home. You have to win your home games at the very least to expect to be in and around the play off places at the end of the season. ‘ Mark, doubtfully , said, ‘‘Wednesday have plenty of competition to overcome to win promotion from League One.’

Derbies are an essential part of the footballing world. They are a natural born rivalry and on some levels they contribute to the communities and bring people together. The rivalries, some more bitter than others, can date back hundreds of years. Mark insists that the bright lights of derbies that take place in the Premier League are nothing compared to the Steel City derby, ‘it’s the biggest derby of the lot, without a doubt.’ Meanwhile, Kelly is adamant that, ‘derbies can’t be compared. Supporters will obviously think their derby is the most important. There’s definitely a special buzz in the grounds, whether it be Hillborough or Bramall Lane at derby time – I think each atmosphere is unique.’

Has the Premier League Already been Decided?

Is this already inevitable for another year?  Image Credit Flickr User sonyds

By Matt Scott 
Chelsea are holding strong at the top of the table, 5 points clear of Arsenal, Manchester United and Manchester City, who at this stage of the season seem to be the only realistic title contenders.

However 5 points could prove to be too much, even at this early stage of the season. This is because many Premier League sides, especially those who are struggling at the bottom end of the table, go into games against title challengers expecting to lose. Their attitude is that taking a point away from one of the current top four sides is a bonus, especially if they are playing them at home.

But credit where credit is due. This is down to Chelsea’s performances this season. A 6-0 thrashing of West Brom on the opening day at Stamford Bridge, followed by another 6-0 hammering, this time away at Wigan. Chelsea have been scoring goals for fun, two against Stoke at home, three away to West Ham, four at home to Blackpool. Their only set back has been a 0-0 against Aston Villa at Villa Park.

Chelsea v Arsenal, Feb 7th 2010.In the wake of the media bitzkrieg over Terry's alleged affair with Vanessa Perroncel, fans at Stamford ridge show their support for their captain.

Their style of play and goal scoring finesse has rattled the other teams in the League. Giving them the mental edge, convincing the opposition the game is lost before they step on the pitch, it’s just a matter of damage limitation. Because of this you see teams changing formation when they play Chelsea, often to a 4-5-1, with a defensive focus. They invite Chelsea onto them, defend for their lives and hope to spring on the counter. This is not, what many deem, exciting football for the neutral to watch.

Rio Ferdinand, Manchester United centre back gives a thumbs up at their match against West Brom, Oct 16

Manchester United, who some bookmakers listed as favourites for the League before the season kicked off, have had an all together different start to the season. They have been uncharacteristically shaky and seem nervous. After a bright start to the season, a comfortable 3-0 win over, newly promoted, Newcastle United at Old Trafford, things started to go wrong. United let a 2-1 lead slip in the 89th minute against Fulham, giving Chelsea a vital two point advantage at an early stage of the season.

Then, two weeks later, two injury time goals, one from Cahill and the other from Arteta erased a 3-1 lead at Goodison Park against Everton. Chelsea were now four points ahead and the United team looked even more uncertain on the ball.

After a vital 3-2 win over Liverpool, the team travelled to the Reebok Stadium to play Bolton. Sir Alex’s side were 2-1 down with less than 25 minutes left to play, so they began throwing everything forward and luckily, Michael Owen managed to find the back of the net, with only 10 minutes remaining. The majority of fans argue that Manchester United should have gone on to win the game.

Finally and most recently, a 2-0 home advantage at half time against West Brom was over turned by two goals in 5 minutes from the visiting side. United unable to score a third in the last 35 minutes of the game, in fact, they were extremely lucky not to lose the game in the end,  with West Brom going close on several occasion.

As these teams came from behind, wiping out leads to take unexpected points, other squads were watching, thinking that if a that team could do it, why couldn’t they.

The combination of this, increasingly inconsistent defending and unexpected errors have snowballed and increased the pressure on Manchester United in a vicious and ongoing circle. This is seriously damaging the clubs title challenge and if they are to stand any chance of gaining on Chelsea it needs to be resolved, fast.

Yet, one good thing to come out of this is that, for the neutrals, Manchester United games are now the more likely games to impress and entertain. It’s doubtful that Sir Alex will see it that way though.



Image Credits
Chelsea Badge - Flickr User TheTruthAbout
Terry V Arsenal - Wikimedia
Rio Ferdinand West Brom gordonflood.com
Javier Hernandez - Gordonflood.com
Man United Logo

FORUMLA ONE: Schumacher Almost Kills Barrichello - Penalised 10 Grid Places

Michael Schumacher, never a stranger to controversy on the Formula 1 circuit, today stooped to a new low in the Hungarian Grand Prix.  Barrichello was almost pinned against the pit wall as he tried to overtake Schumacher - Barrichello was later to call this move the most dangerous he had seen in his Formula 1 career.

This is the latest in a series of spats between the two, pictured left in happier days.  When it spills over on to the track, however, things can become dangerous.

The whole thing took place as Wiiliams driver Barrichello looked to take advantage of a mistake that Schumacher made around Turn 14.   Schumacher went wide and this enabled the Brazillian to close up to him and get a run on his former team mate.

He pulled to the right and pulled alongside Shcumacher who, seeing that he might lose the race, forced Barrichello right up against the wall of the pit.

Good job that the wall ended before Barrichello hit it.  If it hadn't been for the wall finishing that would probably have happened.  The judges recognise this and Schumacher has been penalised 10 grid places.

Perhaps this was punishment for that party where Barrichello sang. The song consisted of the rather childish claim that Schumacher is viado - a derogatory term meaning gay in Brazilian Portuguese. Or perhaps not.  Whatever caused Schumacher to do this, it won't help his Christmas card list much, that's for sure.