Ashes Jokes 2011 - The Top Twenty

Say, did you know that the Australian's had lost the Ashes?  Well, just to thank them, we thought we would give you the top twenty Ashes jokes currently doing the rounds on a mobile phone near you!

What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
A waiter.

Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down. Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting: "The aussies are going to win the ashes, the aussies are going to win the ashes" On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe! 

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a Phoenix?
At the end of The Ashes, the Phoenix still has a future.

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment? 
They haven't got any openers ...

What do you call an Australian who is good with a bat?

A vet.

Mitchell Johnson  - two minutes after going out to bat..

What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?

A bowler. 

I had to borrow a cup of sugar the other day. I asked Shane Watson - but he had run out.

What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.

What is the main function of the Australia coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

The ICC are investigating strange betting patterns on the Sydney test. Someone allegedly put $20 on Australia 

What's the Australian version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

What’s the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Why don't Aussie fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
Because they never catch anything.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.
 

A phone call comes into the Australian dressing room
‘Is it possible to speak to Mr Ponting please?
‘I’m sorry’ says a voice at the other end, ‘he has, gone out to bat’
‘No problem, I’ll hold the line’

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the Australian team?
The woman who ironed the cricket whites.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

David Haye Offers Wladimir Klitschko 50-50 Deal

David Haye’s manager Adam Booth has today confirmed it is now up to the Wladimir Klitschko camp to agree to their latest offer. Previously the negotiations had hit a stumbling block after the WBA champ wanted more than 50% knowing that he would bring more of audience than Klitchsko.

However, now all the previous disagreements have been ironed out, Adam Booth and David Haye were happy to offer Klitschko a 50-50 split.

This was a deal that the Ukrainian had wanted from day one, Wlad had set a deadline of January 4^th to agree to fight and now it’s all up to the WBO and IBF Champ to accept.

"We are now perfectly positioned to get together and make this fight with Wladimir Klitschko," said Booth.

"We have sorted out all the old problems and disagreements and are ready to sign the deal both (Klitschko's manager) Bernd Boente and I discussed on Sky Sports' Ringside show in November.

Speaking on UK television about the money that the Haye camp generates, he added; "Despite the fact we know we bring more UK television money to the table, David and I are happy to split the entire pot 50:50 and grant Wladimir the deal he has wanted since day one.

"We have offered them 50:50 on everything - just as they requested - and now see no reason why this tremendous fight can't happen. The path is clear."

David Haye said that he sees no reason why Klitschko should not agree to a unification fight in 2011. "We have now ticked every box they have asked us to tick and I just hope Wladimir is as eager to fight as he tells everyone he is," said Haye.

"We have removed every possible excuse and have shown we are serious about making this fight become a reality. I'll smoke him out if I have to. I only pray Wladimir is as serious as we are, because this fight needs to happen for the good of the sport."

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Has the Premier League Already been Decided?

Is this already inevitable for another year?  Image Credit Flickr User sonyds

By Matt Scott 
Chelsea are holding strong at the top of the table, 5 points clear of Arsenal, Manchester United and Manchester City, who at this stage of the season seem to be the only realistic title contenders.

However 5 points could prove to be too much, even at this early stage of the season. This is because many Premier League sides, especially those who are struggling at the bottom end of the table, go into games against title challengers expecting to lose. Their attitude is that taking a point away from one of the current top four sides is a bonus, especially if they are playing them at home.

But credit where credit is due. This is down to Chelsea’s performances this season. A 6-0 thrashing of West Brom on the opening day at Stamford Bridge, followed by another 6-0 hammering, this time away at Wigan. Chelsea have been scoring goals for fun, two against Stoke at home, three away to West Ham, four at home to Blackpool. Their only set back has been a 0-0 against Aston Villa at Villa Park.

Chelsea v Arsenal, Feb 7th 2010.In the wake of the media bitzkrieg over Terry's alleged affair with Vanessa Perroncel, fans at Stamford ridge show their support for their captain.

Their style of play and goal scoring finesse has rattled the other teams in the League. Giving them the mental edge, convincing the opposition the game is lost before they step on the pitch, it’s just a matter of damage limitation. Because of this you see teams changing formation when they play Chelsea, often to a 4-5-1, with a defensive focus. They invite Chelsea onto them, defend for their lives and hope to spring on the counter. This is not, what many deem, exciting football for the neutral to watch.

Rio Ferdinand, Manchester United centre back gives a thumbs up at their match against West Brom, Oct 16

Manchester United, who some bookmakers listed as favourites for the League before the season kicked off, have had an all together different start to the season. They have been uncharacteristically shaky and seem nervous. After a bright start to the season, a comfortable 3-0 win over, newly promoted, Newcastle United at Old Trafford, things started to go wrong. United let a 2-1 lead slip in the 89th minute against Fulham, giving Chelsea a vital two point advantage at an early stage of the season.

Then, two weeks later, two injury time goals, one from Cahill and the other from Arteta erased a 3-1 lead at Goodison Park against Everton. Chelsea were now four points ahead and the United team looked even more uncertain on the ball.

After a vital 3-2 win over Liverpool, the team travelled to the Reebok Stadium to play Bolton. Sir Alex’s side were 2-1 down with less than 25 minutes left to play, so they began throwing everything forward and luckily, Michael Owen managed to find the back of the net, with only 10 minutes remaining. The majority of fans argue that Manchester United should have gone on to win the game.

Finally and most recently, a 2-0 home advantage at half time against West Brom was over turned by two goals in 5 minutes from the visiting side. United unable to score a third in the last 35 minutes of the game, in fact, they were extremely lucky not to lose the game in the end,  with West Brom going close on several occasion.

As these teams came from behind, wiping out leads to take unexpected points, other squads were watching, thinking that if a that team could do it, why couldn’t they.

The combination of this, increasingly inconsistent defending and unexpected errors have snowballed and increased the pressure on Manchester United in a vicious and ongoing circle. This is seriously damaging the clubs title challenge and if they are to stand any chance of gaining on Chelsea it needs to be resolved, fast.

Yet, one good thing to come out of this is that, for the neutrals, Manchester United games are now the more likely games to impress and entertain. It’s doubtful that Sir Alex will see it that way though.



Image Credits
Chelsea Badge - Flickr User TheTruthAbout
Terry V Arsenal - Wikimedia
Rio Ferdinand West Brom gordonflood.com
Javier Hernandez - Gordonflood.com
Man United Logo